"24"

It's been awhile since I last blogged and my excuse for this is that I have been ill and trying to stay afloat in my job while fending off the virus, as well as annoying co-workers and managing the gas prices of my gas-sucking SUV.

In my well-respected peer's blog, he wrote the following:

"So the question is, what can I do? Is this normal (being that it is a job and no one really likes their job, but they do it anyways because they have bills to pay, so just work for your weekend, Nesnej, because that is what everyone else is doing)? Is it the company, or is it me (being that I’m expecting too much too quickly and it will come all in good time as long as I keep my hopes up and try to block out the distractions)? Is there really happiness at work, and can someone find it with any job?"

I thought I would expand my thoughts on this since I am lacking creativity to think of a subject on my own. Many people struggle with the job they are in - struggle in finding satisfaction in what they are doing day-in, day-out. This leads to questioning ourselves on what is possibly out there that would make my quality of life that much higher...I too have this internal struggle with myself on my current position and what else I could possibly be doing that I would be happier at doing for the rest of my life. Like most Americans, I day dream and idolize those who play a part on TV or in the movies and think, "Man, I wish I could do that as a profession!" But then I realize, those people on TV or in the movies are just actors - could I get away with "acting" not for a career but in a career? Am I doing that right now by not liking my job but making it through each day just pretending to like it until something better comes a long?

For example, I religiously watch "24" with Keifer Sutherland on Mondays on FOX (CHECK IT OUT!!!) and wonder if I could make it as a member of the Counter Terrorist Unit as a Field Op team member. That would be so kick ass! Yes, I dreamt growing up that I would be able to defend myself against bad people with a flick of my finger, have no fear of being a woman or being defenseless, and able to make a difference in peoples' lives. There is nothing hotter than an ass-kicking female with a gun. :)

Perhaps one day, like many Americans dream, I will step outside of acting and live the life I have always dreamed.

Crash

You know those things that you know you are aware of but just do not think about all the time because it is just part of life that you have accepted? Well, I experienced a real eye-opener last night while watching a "heavy" movie for a Sunday - "Crash". You think you know who you are. You have no idea. The tagline of the movies was "Live your life at the point of impact." Several stories interweave during two days in Los Angeles involving a collection of inter-related characters: a black police detective with a drugged out mother and a thieving younger brother, two car thieves who are constantly theorizing on society and race, the distracted district attorney and his irritated and pampered wife, a racist veteran cop (caring for a sick father at home) who disgusts his more idealistic younger partner, a successful black Hollywood director and his wife who must deal with racist cop, a Persian-immigrant father who buys a gun to protect his shop, a Hispanic locksmith and his young daughter who is afraid of bullets, and more. It was amazing and somewhat scary to watch a movie about real life challenges, such as racism, health issues, occupations, etc.

I ask myself if the people in my life really know what it is like to be a minority. Have they had to deal with some of the struggles I have had to in my life by not being white? How would they have handled some of the challenges I have overcome with racism? How much worse do people who are minorities and did not grow up in America have it rather than people such as myself who are miniorities but did grow up in America? (*Next Blog - my recent racism experience)

Moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other.

The Almighty Skeleton

As I had previously written, "do you have something or someone from your past that you feel is just waiting for the perfect time to jump back into your life to screw you over?" I think there is someone or something just waiting for me to get to the top of the world and then slap me back down to Earth. When you let someone else into your life, such as in a marriage, you sometimes wonder if they have told you everything there is to know about them or if they are hiding something of their own. Relationship experts say there is not supposed to be any secrets between couples, but seriously, does any couple actually hold this truth?

Getting back to my past...I try so hard to think of people in my past that I might have treated poorly or did wrong by. I also try to think of something I could have done to help someone by ignored it for my own selfish reasons. I guess if everyone looks hard enough there is something or someone who we screwed over in the past, but obviously not conciously, well, hopefully not conciously. Of course, we all went through that phase in our lives where it was cool to pick on people just to make ourselves feel better. At the time, it might have helped but how much damage did we do to those we made fun of or were not nice to in the long run?

I guess I have to take a step back and ask myself how much do I care what others think about me? Truth betold, I do care a lot about what certain people think. For example, my parents - do care; a 3-year old -do not care; my manager - care; an annoying fan at a baseball game - care...NOT SO MUCH! Perhaps I can say that I care what others think of me if those people have a significant place in my life or have the ability to influence me in some way or those who I respect and trust. But then why do I care what I look like when I go out in public?? Why don't I just wear PJs out every time? Perhaps it is dignity or respect for myself. Do you care what others think of you?

The Suits

Do you have something or someone in your past that you feel is always looking over your shoulder, just waiting for the right time to screw you over? (more on this later...) Do you feel like you are carrying an elephant on your back and are not able to enjoy life to its fullest?

I do not want to be one of those people who go through life and wonder "what if" or "how come I held back on that?" Life is too short to be doing the same thing day in and day out and that was one thing that as a senior in college I did not want to be doing - the same thing every single day of the rest of my life, which I think Corporate America wants in an employee. I am starting to think that Corporate America (yes, does offer some benefits) is not as rewarding as something else I could or want to be doing with my life and therefore am thinking about leaving the common, daunting world of "the suits".

I often look at the people who do not have a secure lifestyle but are always happy in what they are doing with their life. Then I look around at my co-workers and in the mirror at myself and see a secure lifestyle but not so much happiness to be alive. Perhaps that is because we spend 8+ hours a day/5(or more) days a week doing something for something (e.g. a bank) not for someone. I guess if you dig deeper we are doing it for the customer but I am also a customer - so am I doing it for myself?

I am scared to take that leap of faith to go out and explore other possibilities in life but envy those who do more than I can express. Perhaps one of these days I will be the one envied.

Productivity?

Using my time wisely at work, I pondered what I really should be doing. There are a lot of things I would like to do, such as sleeping or running or shopping, but should I really be doing them? The obvious answer would be "No." But if the answer is "No" and I have nothing else that I should be doing, then what? I think I have hit the bottom the the bordem barrel. I am trying to find more and more to take on at work, but nothing is coming to mind. But what really sucks about working in such a large company is you have to wait sometimes (ok, most of the time) to finish your work because your work is contingent upon someone else's work and they might not get it to you until they feel like it, which to you in unacceptable.

Perhaps I should take up a new hobby on researching an interesting topic and somehow find a way to relate it back to work.
Or perhaps my manager should give me more like I ask.
Or perhaps I should just keep looking for more on my own...
Or perhaps I should walk around the office and quote lines from "Office Space."

Growing Up?

Family or Career? Which one has the higher priority? This seems like an obvious answer to most people and I would agree that most people's priority should be the family. But I can also see it from the other side, otherwise known as the Dark Side.

This past Labor Day weekend while my parents were visiting, my parents encouraged Sean and I to look at houses around the Phoenix Metropolitian area. This boggled my mind since just a couple days before I had my mind set that I would be moving myself and Sean back to the Midwest to be closer to them. I entertained my parent's idea by going and house hunting thinking the whole time that on one side of the scale I had my family in Iowa. And on the other side I have my career, which would be most profitable in Arizona (I came to this conclusion with much help from my manager Joe - one of the biggest surprises of my career yet - a heart-felt conversation with a senior level manager).

So, what do I do? I figured that Sean and I had been looking for a house for a long time and have not found anything yet so it would not hurt to look again this time. Our real estate agent took us out to a new development close to where I work - bad news - Sean and I fell in love with the houses out there. The deal home buyers are getting on that land is unbelieveable! We found a floor plan of a house that we want to build and customize:

• 3700 sq. ft.
• 5 bedrooms
• 3.5 bathrooms
• 3 car garage
• A game room and den/office
• And a HUGE kitchen and masterbedroom!!

Sean and I did not know what to think except my parents saw how excited and zealous we were so they encouraged us to buy the land and start building. The house will not be done until next October, but it will definitely be a house that we can start a family in and then possibly sell it in a couple of years when the value has doubled and move back to the Midwest - think of the size of house we can buy in the Midwest with our profit from our house down here??

So the question of the day is - do we continue with the home buying process in Arizona and stay in AZ for the next 5-10 years and keep going with my career OR do we move back to the Midwest in the next year or so to be closer to family??

Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm..."

Usually the funniest things come out of childrens' mouths and even though you are not supposed to laugh because it will reinforce bad behavior, you just cannot help but laugh. The reason I bring this point up is because I married someone who still thinks and acts like a child sometime...okay, most of the time.

Here is what came out of my husband's mouth last night (word for word) when we were just sitting around watching TV:

"Lay on your arm until it goes numb, then masturbate, and call it Stranger."

What the F??